This is so stupid but before it was over he shared all the pictures with me from his phone of our trip. Over 700 of them. And I’m looking through them and I just see pictures, dozens of pictures, that I had no idea were being taken of me. Me on a bike. Me looking at a painting. Me walking, me looking, me laughing, me dipping my feet into water. And if I knew it was being taken, then there isn’t just one…there is me pre-picture, me post- picture, me begging not to be in a picture. And it validates everything I felt in some stupid way, I feel like I’m finally being let into a secret and the secret is that someone loved me enough to want evidence of me in mundane and trivial moments. It is over (we are over). And I’m looking now at how hard I was laughing then, unknowing that I was being recorded, and I know that it was real. And then it was gone.

I don’t care. (You’re not reading this. But if you’re reading it -it’s googleable, after all- then I don’t care). About this, about any of this. I laughed out loud yesterday when somebody told me I had to move on with my life, because you are my life, and it suddenly dawned on me that I am so sad for nothing. It’s funny. I stopped crying and I smiled for the rest of the day. I chain smoked and cooked food that I still have no appetite for, but then I laughed, because it’s so clear to me that I will have you, again. 

I’m frustrated. I want to start with the rest of my life. I’m ready to work and be a real person and to have an actual income and have responsibility and wear khaki pants, I feel ready and I still have another 2 years to go. I know transferring was worth it but shit, I want to be done now. I want to be a teacher internationally or work for some big greedy corporation or do SOMETHING…I just want to be tired at the end of the day having done something important. I have no interest in going out and partying and being 21 and college-ing, I just want to be done.

1. I am back from France and Turkey and the billion other places!
2. I am overwhelmed
3. I am also incredibly bored in Charleston and have applied to a million jobs
4. I was in Turkey working for 5 weeks then stayed with a host family in France for 3 5. weeks with my boyfriend, while attending language classes. It was incredible
5. He’s literally my best friend and we’re disgustingly close and I am trying to ignore the fact that I won’t see him for another 5 months
6. (Because while I have spent the entire last year agonizing because he was so far away, I have made the conscious decision to instead be exuberantly happy that I have someone so dear to me at all)
7. There is a strong attempt on my part to concentrate only on school and get as close to a 4.0 as possible and just make it through my senior year + extra senior year
8. I have 50 hours of observing classes at a high school this semester. oh my gad.
9. I feel very on the verge of my entire life and my perception of time has been completely warped

I will start posting again, starting now. Promise.

In Turkey the sun is hot. I take my cousin, a baby, just around the corner from the house to the sea and she commands while I collect rocks. I cry for an hour because this city makes me mad, like when I was a child and I’d hide in my room until the week was over. I search for a rock to climb under and think of my mother making the decision, telling my father (or did he tell her?) that perhaps they should go back, perhaps America was right after all and I think of them moving back and leaving the sea here and how much they must miss the breeze. But I am here for 3 days and I cannot stand it without locking myself in rooms and crying- what is it about this place that drives me so mad? There are other cities I love in Turkey- but these are places with another species of life. A species I prefer.

I am older now and I do not have to come back here. Decades ago my parents made the decision to make this city just an annual stop in our lives, rather than a home, and I am grateful and sad all at the same time that this place could not work out for us. In a few days I will be in Istanbul again and I will feel the sense of home that I never had the pleasure of feeling here. The baby grabs my hand and I am sad because I will not watch her grow. But I will tell her that when she wants to leave, she can leave, she can go- and she shouldn’t come back here. Some places don’t deserve us.

We are leaving Istanbul and going to France now. I have been crying for days